How To Survive When Your Girlfriend's On Her Period, By Gilbert B
by Ellawritesficssometimes
Summary: PRUHUN- Liza and Gilbert's budding relationship was going great! That is, until Gilbert experiences the firsthand wrath of his girlfriend's violent, hormonal mood swings: "Liza, honey, put down that pan!" THWACK! Rated T for head Trauma and other related Tragedies.
1. Flat as a Pancake

**A/N:** Well, there you guys go! See! I'm following through with the requests to write this pairing xD. I kind of like it, actually. Before anyone gets offended, just know that this story is written from a guy's perspective. Based on my past experience with boyfriend's, men are completely clueless when it comes to a woman's period. Seriously, my last one thought that p blood was acidic enough to burn through underwear. I WISH THAT I WAS KIDDING, BUT I'M NOT. 

This is written for mere fun and teasing purposes, and if you guys like it, I'll write more! As always, thanks for reading~!

* * *

 **Flat as a Pancake:**

 **10:00 PM**

 _Gilbert: Hey, babe! Whatcha up to? :D_

 _Liza: Nothing fun -.-_

 _Liza: Wanna come over and make things interesting for me? ;)_

 _Gilbert: Say no more! I'll be there in twenty!_

 _Liza: Tsk! Tsk! Gilly! You should know better than to make a lady wait!_

 _Gilbert: Feel free to punish me when I arrive, my Queen ;)_

…

Hallo, peasants! It's your boy Gilbert here, coming at you with Gott knows how much caffeine in me. Probably not a healthy amount, if I'd have to guess. Anyways, the awesome me is now on his way to Liza's apartment, who, by the way is my amazing girlfriend. Did I say amazing already? Ja, I did. Oh well, pardon a guy for getting excited.

You see, Liza and I have only been dating for two weeks now. We had always been really good friends, but for close to five years she had been dating this jerkwad named Roderich. Roderich, in my opinion, had never treated Liza in a remotely affectionate way. Heck, he cared more about his stupid music-making than his own living girlfriend. Hence the reason why I had deemed his sexuality to be pianosexual. Oi! It's not my fault that he's a delicate clusterfuck, that of whom willingly gave up on the hottest chick in the world. Your loss, Roddy! Kesesese.

 **DING!**

The elevator door opened, and like the awesome beast that I was, I strutted right into the small space, admiring my handsome reflection in the mirror. I pulled back my sunglasses so that they were resting on top of my head, smirking as I gave a _manly_ twirl. I was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt and a simple pair of denim jeans, but they were both tight enough for me to strategically accentuate my hella-toned body.

I impatiently jumped on the balls of my feet as I waited for the elevator to reach the 8th floor. I couldn't wait to see Liza. The past week or so we had had some pretty amazing sex. My time spent as a fuckboy had prepared me well. I knew all the cues to pick up on when it came to bedding a girl, and let me just say that Liza's texts were full of them. Aw, yeah. Tonight was going to be another awesome one, I could tell already.

 **DING!**

I strode out of the elevator, grinning to myself like an idiot as I walked over to stand outside of Liza's apartment. I firmly wrapped my knuckles against her front door, trying my best not to drool. I could only imagine what type of lingerie that she had put on for me tonight.

The door opened and my jaw dropped, but not in the way that I had been expecting it to. Liza cocked her head to the side, her messy bun titling over as well. "Oh!" she mused, looking at the rose that I held in my right hand. "Is that for me?" she asked.

"J-Ja," I stammered, trying my best not to sound too disappointed. Liza wasn't wearing lingerie, but rather a large pair of black sweatpants and a green hoodie. Keh, how unawesome.

Liza took the rose from me, smiling mischievously. "Why how gentlemanly of you," she cooed, gesturing for me to step inside.

I gulped and stepped into her apartment, all the while feeling nervous on the inside. I didn't have good vibes about this night anymore, and no, it wasn't just because my chances of getting laid were cut in half, thank you very much.

Girls only wear sweats for one of two reasons. #1, they don't have a boyfriend to impress, and #2…yeah, you probably don't want to know what #2 is. I had my suspicions, and didn't want to jump the pan on anything just yet.

Liza shut the door after me, setting down the rose onto the bench next to the door. "Don't I get a hello kiss?" she asked, batting her lashes at me in a devilishly Nala-like manner.

"Your wish is my command," I smirked.

I caved under her googly green eyes, bending down to meet her soft pink lips. I deepened the kiss, wrapping my arms around her waist, only to stop when she winced in pain.

"Ouch, Gil!" Liza grimaced. "Be gentle! I'm really bloated right now."

I tucked my chin over her head, burying my nose into her long honey-brown hair. "How come? Does the awesome me need to give you a back rub?"

Liza sighed, closing her eyes. "That sounds heavenly," she murmured.

The next few words that Liza spoke made me freeze on spot.

"Oh, and I'm on my period."

 _I fucking knew it._

"Period, you say?" I chuckled, pulling away from the hug, only to clumsily stumble backwards a few paces.

"Yes," Liza grit her teeth. "I'm on my period. What's it to you?" she just about growled.

I nervously smiled back at her, trying not to let her see right through my façade. "Nothing," I hummed, all the while feeling like screaming on the inside.

Oh hell to the no! I knew Liza, and boy did she ever have a temper. Just ask my younger brother, Ludwig, how many times that she had whacked me in the back of the head with her frying pan. Seriously though. Can you imagine how crazy this chick would be on her period?!

I shuddered just at the thought of it. As a reformed fuckboy, one of my main rules had been to never speak with a woman who was on her period. And that was for a very good reason! Women turn batshit crazy whenever they're on their period. I may be Liza's boyfriend, one who was willing to do and give up many things for her, but I certainly wasn't about to embark on a suicide mission. Sorry but not sorry, crazy hot Hungarian lady. You're on your own for now!

I shied under Liza's gaze, nervously fidgeting with my hands. "Ah! Well, you see. I should probably get home now. I forgot to walk my hamster." I backed up a few paces, slowly making my way towards the door.

Liza's eyes narrowed, gleaming that dangerous gleam that I knew all too well, but always tried my best to avoid. Pain typically followed whenever she gave me that look.

"Gilbert?"

"J-ja?"

"You don't have a hamster. You have a bird."

"Did I say hamster?! How silly of me! I meant to say bird! Gilbird suffers from really bad separation anxiety! He always misses his Vati _very_ dearly…"

I reached for the doorknob, flinching when a clawed, manicured hand latched onto my wrist. Verdammt! I was _so_ close!

"You're not trying to skip out on me, are you Gil?" Liza leered.

I felt trapped. Anything that I said now would probably result in a fist to the face. Thankfully, Liza's go-to pan was in the kitchen, and therefore out of reach.

I vigorously shook my head back and forth. "N-nein! Of course not!" I spluttered.

Liza dug her nails further into my wrist. "Good. Now why don't you let go of the doorknob, come inside, and be a _good_ boyfriend to me?"

Her suggestion sounded more like a demand. But hey, that's just my useless male opinion.

My lack of response prompted Liza to tug on my arm, effectively ripping my shoulder out of its socket.

"Oi! Why don't you rip off my arm while you're at it?!" I protested, albeit futilely.

"Maybe if you weren't such a little bitch, it wouldn't rip out so easily~!" Liza hummed, shoving me further into the apartment. She then skipped over to the door, locking it.

I deadpanned. There was no escaping from this psycho now.

…

Liza was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching TV with a murderous expression on her face. I, on the other hand, was in the kitchen, far, far, _far_ away from that psycho. I hadn't been in her apartment for more than five minutes before I had been slapped, punched, and simultaneously kicked in the balls.

My only safe haven was the kitchen. She didn't seem to have a problem with me making her food, even if it was almost midnight at this point. I was currently ladling pancake batter onto a buttered skillet over the stove, carefully watching Liza from the corner of my eye. Hey, it was better safe than sorry. If she was going to murder me, I at least wanted to put up a good fight.

Just in case, I had also placed my phone on top of the fridge. Heh. Surely she wouldn't try anything once she knew that she was being filmed, am I right? A guy can hope, but then again, it was hard to talk any sense into Liza whenever she was in one of her 'moods.' Those moods typically ended in me curling up in the fetal position before her feet. As totally unawesome as it sounds, Liza was much stronger than me, despite being hobbit-sized.

I placed a finger into the pancake batter, bringing it to my mouth to taste. I let out a satisfied hum, pleased with the result of my awesome cooking. I had my roommate Matt to thank for this delicious pancake recipe. I so owed him one whenever I escaped from this prison, that is, if I ever managed to escape. Liza was watching her front door like a hawk after I had tried to escape the first ten times or so.

I flipped over the pancake when it began to bubble at the surface.

"What's that you're making there?"

"HOLY FUCK!" I cursed, jolting with a start when Liza magically appeared at my side. "WHERE THE HECK DID YOU COME FROM?!" Was I dealing with a ghost or my rabid, hormonal girlfriend? Who knows.

Liza smirked, wrapping her arms around my waist. "You're such a pussy," she snickered. "I didn't know that you scared so easily."

I puffed up my chest. That tended to happen whenever my manhood was challenged. Don't ask questions, my friends, just bask in my awesomeness.

"I'm not scared!" I fumed, turning my head to the side when I felt blood rush to my face. Ugh, curses to my paleness!

"You simply caught me by surprise."

Liza shook her head, unwrapping her arms from my waist. "Whatever you say, honey," she patronized.

"Oh! These look tasty!" Liza spotted the plate that I had stacked the already cooked pancakes onto. She then grabbed one for herself, gleefully taking a bite from it.

"MMMMMMM! It's sooooo goooood," she mumbled in between chewing.

"Have you ever heard of cutlery?" I snickered. "You should try using it sometime."

"Oh, hush you!" Liza smirked, stuffing the rest of the pancake into her little greedy mouth. It was pretty cute how big her cheeks looked while she chewed.

"Okay, Miss Savage. That's enough pancakes for now. You're going to have to wait until I finish cooking the rest before you can have anymore."

I don't know why, but the temperature in the room dropped by a good five degrees.

"What did you just call me?" Liza hissed.

I froze, realizing my mistake when it was already too late.

"Miss Savage?" I squeaked.

Liza made a grab for the pancake pan, while I swallowed heavily, already embracing the prospect of my imminent death.

 **CLANG!**

And that, dear readers, was the sound of Liza's pan crashing against the back of my skull. I blacked out before I had even hit the ground.

So not awesome.

* * *

 **Lesson #1:** Food is your best friend. Sarcasm will be the death of you.

* * *

 **To be continued...?**


	2. Netflix and Hell

**A/N:** Hello! Thank you so so so so much to those who followed, favourited, and reviewed. My interest in writing for this fandom has been waning lately, but this was such a nice surprise. Please do continue to show your support! Not just for my story, but for others too. Every click of the button means so much to us authors. I get so sad whenever I scroll through the new stories page for this fandom. (So many fantastic authors are under supported and it breaks my heart. I may start recommending under paid attention to fanfics on my profile.)

New/previous readers, lets keep the positive vibes going, eh? :D

Sorry that the chapter is so short. This is a mini fic compared to my others ones. Anyways, please be kind and offer feedback! I listen to what you guys want ;)

* * *

 **Netflix and Hell:**

"Oh Giiiiiiiiil~!" A sweet-sounding voice roused me into consciousness.

I fluttered my eyes open, blinking harshly at the fluorescent lightbulbs on the kitchen ceiling. Wait, why was I lying on the floor? And why did my head hurt so much? I turned my head to the side, only to spot a pair of impish green eyes.

And then it hit me. I had been knocked out by Liza's pan. I jolted, forcing my eyes shut again. ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! Pretend you're a possum and play dead! Any alternative was better than dealing with this blood-producing she-heathen.

"Huh, he must have passed out again."

Liza shook my shoulders, causing my head to 'listlessly' roll back and forth. "Dear, dear. What should I do?" she muttered. Unbeknownst to me, she stood up from the kitchen floor. I only realized this when I felt her grab onto my left foot.

Liza giggled. "Hmmm… that sounds like a good idea," she mused to herself.

My heart sank down into my stomach when I felt Liza begin to drag my body towards the living room.

I opened my eyes, this time for good. "Oi, Liza?" I wheezed. I know, I know. You can give me an Oscar later for my awesome acting.

"Yes, Gil?"

"Where are you dragging me off to?" There were so many things wrong with that sentence. I'm not even going to bother addressing them.

"Why, the living room of course!"

"What for?"

Liza's facial expression darkened. "You're finally going to watch the Notebook with me!"

 **BANG!**

I grabbed onto a leg of the kitchen table, clinging for dear life.

Liza grit her teeth. "Gil, sweetie," she hissed. "LET GO of the kitchen table."

"NEIN!" I protested. "I'M TOO AWESOME TO WATCH GIRLY FLUFF!"

Liza and I then had a fierce tug of war match with my leg, that of which ended when Liza pulled out her phone to snap a picture of my precarious position on the floor.

"Ha!" Liza huffed, letting go of my leg as she knew that she had already won this battle.

"If you don't watch the Notebook with me, I'll post this photo on Facebook," she threatened.

My face paled indefinitely, if possible. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, but I would!" Liza sang, turning her back on me.

She sashayed her hips back and forth, causing her long hair to fall over her shoulders. I found myself mesmerized by the sight, unwillingly falling for the siren calls of her devious blackmail.

It was clear to me that the honeymoon phase of our relationship was now over. She was back to being the psycho best friend that I had always had a secret crush on.

I sourly puckered my lips. "Fine."

"Great!"

 **WHOOSH!**

Liza turned around and moved at the speed of light, no joke.

"ACK! LIZA!" I fumed when Liza, who was only 5'2 may I add, picked me up from the ground and slung my writhing body over her shoulders.

"Awwwww~! Look! Gilly Boo's embarrassed," she cooed, poking my reddening cheeks with a razor-sharp finger nail.

"Just put me down, will you?!"

…

Gilbert was not a very happy camper. Why was Gilbert talking in the third person? He should really stop. That means now, buddy. Ugh, whatever. Anyways, as you all know, Liza had just about forced me into watching the Notebook with her, which we were now doing.

She kept looking back at me to make sure that I was paying attention to the movie, but whenever she looked away, I was frantically texting Ludwig, asking for his help. Unfortunately, said stick-in-the-butt was busy on a date with his own boyfriend. I was on my own.

I didn't even bother to try reaching my other friends Francis and Toni as I knew that they would also be catering to their partners' needs. If you don't know what 'needs' means, then you're probably not old enough to read this story. Ahem. Ja, I just broke the fourth wall. Why? Because I'm just that awesome.

While Liza was too busy swooning over that Gosling dummkoph, I was discretely observing her behaviour and making jot notes in my phone. Every mistake that I made with her would be promptly recorded. If I was going to be serious about this relationship, I would have to survive, and that meant becoming well acquainted with her dark side. In other words, I would be making a Survival Guide for my future self to refer to whenever Liza was on her period.

As of now, Liza was sitting on my lap, her back resting against my stomach. I had my chin tucked over her head as I gently rubbed her tummy. Apparently, this helped soothe the pain of her cramps. Oh well, I can't say that I minded her being this close to me.

Although, if my nose was buried anymore into her hair, I was going to sneeze. I had always been slightly allergic to her coconut shampoo, and right now _said_ scent was making a comfy nest in my nostrils. _Said_ nostrils burned in preparation for a sneeze. I bit my lip, feeling my body tense up.

 _Hold in that sneeze, trooper._

I sighed in relief when I felt the itch to sneeze pass.

"ACHOO!"

Liza sneezed herself, only to groan in disgust.

"Ugh, I just bled everywhere," she mumbled.

Oh yeah. I heard that sneezing when on your period was like the equivalent of blood pouring out of the elevator in the Shining film. Oi! Don't look at me like that! I did my research! Okay, so maybe I just go on tumblr a lot, but at least I know my shit! Those were some pretty dank memes, if I do say so myself.

"Hey Gil?"

"Yes, babe?"

"Can you go to the store and pick up some pads for me?"

"But…it's midnight?" I squeaked.

Liza's expression darkened. "SO?" she questioned.

I shook my head, gulping nervously. "Alright. Alright. I'll go." What were pads again? Oh well, I'd figure my shit out once I got to the store. There was absolutely nothing that my awesome self couldn't handle.

I whipped out my phone to get in one last note of advice: _Do not_ _question a girl when she's on her period. You_ _will_ _be given the death stare._

Liza turned, craning her neck to see what I was typing. "What's that?" she questioned.

"NOTHING!" I blurted out, hopping up from the couch. Liza fell off my lap and onto the ground.

Shit.

I looked at the door and back at her. I had two seconds to either run for it or apologize. Ja, fuck the latter, I'm out. Peace peasants!

I made a mad dash for the door with my snarling girlfriend quick on my heels.

"AHA!" I pulled open the front door, only to slam it right in Liza's furious face.

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

I didn't even bother to look back. I simply ran.

I tripped down the stairwell, taking three steps at a time.

"Ja, I'm definitely going to regret that later…"

 **Lesson #2.5** : If you piss off your girlfriend, do not engage. I repeat. DO NOT ENGAGE.

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 **Next Chapter:** Buying pads and cross-dressing? Whaaaaat?


	3. Violet Eyes Doesn't Have A Clue

**A/N:** Thank you for the awesome responses :)

* * *

 **Violet Eyes Doesn't Have a Clue:**

 **1:00 AM**

I was sitting in the front seat of my car, parked in the ghost town that was the supermarket's parking lot. I had decided to call my best friend and roommate, Matt, for some advice. For one thing, I didn't have a clue about what a pad was. I at least knew that it was something period-related. Oh well, knowing how delicate and sensitive Matt was, he was bound to know something about this product/ device. After all, girls tended to like him because he was shy and talked about his 'feelings' with them.

" _Hello_?" Matt answered the phone. I could just barely make out his voice as he was still half asleep.

"MATT!" I shouted, which was really just my normal tone of voice. "I NEED YOUR HELP! LIZA'S ON HER PERIOD AND SHE ASKED ME TO GET THIS 'PAD' FOR HER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HECK THAT IS?"

" _Tabarnac_!" A crashing sound could be heard on the other line of the phone. I connected the dots and assumed that my awesome yelling voice must have startled Matt, so much so that he had rolled off his bed. Kesesese…

 _"_ _Ugh. Is this a joke_?" Matt asked. " _It's one in the morning, for Christ sake. Can't this wait_?"

"NEIN!" I protested. "THIS IS NOT A DRILL, MAPLE TROOPER!"

" _Gil, I thought I told you to stop calling me that…"_

"Fine! Whatever! Just tell me what a pad is! Is Liza going off to battle or something?!"

Matthew sighed. " _My God, you're just as hopeless as Alfred_ … _Do you know what a tampon is?"_

"Ja, those are the finger sponges that women put up their… 'holes'…" I trailed off, feeling my face flush with embarrassment.

" _Only you would come up such a bizarre analogy_ ," Matthew chuckled. " _But yes. A pad is kind of like a tampon, except not really. It's…hmmm. How do I put this without being vulgar_ …?"

" _Aha! It's a diaper for a woman's lady part!"_

"A vagina diaper?" I echoed.

" _You might want to keep your voice down, if I were you_ ," Matt warned.

"I'm in my car, so it's fine!" My face paled in realization. "SHIT!" I cursed.

 _"_ _What?"_

"I can't buy that for Liza! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire supermarket if I'm caught buying this 'pad' for her!"

" _No one's going to care. Most women would actually find what you're doing to be really sweet_."

"But what about the men? Gott!" I cupped my heated face with both hands. "I won't be able to show my face in there ever again!"

 _"_ _Here's a solution_ ," Matt mused. " _Why don't you dress up and pretend to be a woman?"_

Unfortunately, I was far too desperate at this point to pick up on Matt's blatant sarcasm.

"THAT'S AN AWESOME IDEA! DANKE, BUDDY! BYE NOW!"

" _Wait! Gil! Don't actually do that! I was just jok_ -!"

I hung up the phone, a devious smirk tugging at the corners of my mouth.

It was time for a quick make-over.

…

Everything was going according to plan. No one had suspected that I was actually a man. Before going into the supermarket, I had made a quick trip to the dollar store. It was there where I had purchased a blond wig and a pallet of crappy make-up that mothers jokingly buy for their five-year-old daughters to wear. I had also purchased a pink feather scarf that I had haphazardly wrapped around my neck and shoulders.

On my lips, I was wearing a strawberry-flavoured lip gloss. My eyes, however, were painted a bright blue with this horrible 'cakey' eyeshadow that crumbled into pieces whenever I touched it. Whatever, I looked fabulous and that's all that really mattered. No one could match my awesome camouflage skills.

Weirdly enough, no one had even spared me a second glance. I was passing very well for a girl. Well, it was either that or no one gave a shit. I literally just passed by a lady who had been sitting in her shopping cart with a 50 pack of chicken nuggets resting in her lap. It was too late for people to use their energy to be judgemental anyhow.

I followed the signs that directed me towards the feminine hygiene aisle. "Pads," I murmured to myself. "That's what you're looking for, Gilly boy. You can do this."

"Awesome!" I exclaimed, fisting pumping the air. I had found the pads section. My excitement didn't last all that long, unfortunately. As if buying a pad wasn't already difficult enough. I was now bombarded with bright neon colours and labels that were hardly written in English.

"Stay free? Always? Infinity? What is this, a vagina liberation movement?!"

I had no choice but to call Liza. I didn't have any hope in decoding this estrogen-driven language.

" _Hello_?" Liza answered.

"Hey…Liza!" I chuckled nervously. "Is your tap running?"

" _I don't follow_ …"

"Like, when your turn on your tap, is the 'water' flowing heavily, medium pressure, or hardly at all?"

Liza giggled. " _Oh! It's running quite heavily. You best go with the maxi size_."

I scanned the aisle, quickly spotting a brand that had the label 'maxi' on it. "Perfect!"

 _"_ _Gilbert?"_

"Hmmm?"

" _Don't forget to get the ones with wings on them_."

"Wings?! What wings?!"

" _Oh! Looks like we're breaking up! Sorry! I'm going to have to hang up now!"_

"WAIT! LIZA!"

The last thing that I heard before the phone dial went dead was the sound of giggling.

…

"Wings, wings. They've got to be in here somewhere," I muttered to myself as I confusedly patrolled up and down the aisle.

A store employee cleared his throat behind me. "Chicken wings are in aisle 12… ma'am?"

…

Turns out that these 'wings' Liza spoke off were just flaps on the sides of the pads. The more you know, am I right?

Anyways, I was currently standing in line, waiting to purchase the package of 'winged, maxi' pads that I had picked up for Liza. While waiting, I had also decided to grab her a few chocolate bars. Ja, I'm a good boyfriend. I know, you don't have to tell me.

I reached over to grab a stick to separate my items from the person behind me, only to brush hands with this very person.

"Sorry," I apologized, not bothering to look behind me.

"No worries, little one," a man with a childish-sounding voice responded back.

I turned around, only to be met with a pair of violet eyes and a crooked grin. The man was tall, had blond hair, and was wearing a beige trench coat. For reasons inexplicable, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The air around me suddenly dropped by a good five degrees.

"You have beautiful red eyes," the man remarked.

"Danke," I bowed my head in thanks, all the while screaming internally.

This was _so not_ happening right now. I was _not_ being hit on.

An awkward silence enveloped between us. There was only one customer ahead of me in line at this point. _Thank_ fuck.

Two gloved hands placed themselves onto my shoulders. "Would you happen to be free tonight?" I shuddered when the man bent over to whisper to me, his breath tickling the back of my neck. "I could give you a nice back rub, da?"

I shrugged out of his grip, looking to the half-dead cashier for help. No such help was given.

"U-um…" I purposefully raised my voice into a higher pitch. Don't ask me why. I don't even want to know. "I have a boyfriend!"

"Oh…how wonderful~!" the man swooned. "He can come back to my apartment too!"

"N-no, t-that's not what I meant!" I stammered, flushing involuntarily. "We…don't…do those sort of things…"

Mein Gott, was this what it felt like to be harassed?! I didn't owe him an explanation. Couldn't he just take the hint and leave me the hell alone?!

"Ah, that's too bad."

I looked away, promptly ending the conversation. I paid for Liza's items, thankfully without any suspicion of my true gender, and left the store as quickly as I could.

It was only until I got back into my car that a note fell out of my jacket's front pocket.

I picked up the note, furrowing my eyebrows as I read what it had to say:

 _Your eyes are red,_

 _My eyes are violet,_

 _We can do so much together,_

 _You should come over and try it,_

 _-Ivan (xxx)- xxx-xxxxx_

* * *

 **Lesson #3:** Wings mean a completely different thing in the world of vajayjay land.

 **Lesson #3.5** : Cross-dressing for the purposes of buying 'pads' places you at the risk of harassment. SO NOT AWESOME!


	4. Hallo, Roddy!

After my hectic trip to the supermarket, I had come back to Liza's apartment, only to find her fast asleep on the living room couch. Thankfully, I had been able to rub off all my makeup before entering her apartment building. Although, I'm pretty sure that I had caused an accident on my trip back. You see, I had carelessly thrown my wig out the window, and well, the honking behind me wasn't exactly a good sign.

No matter, taking care of my girlfriend was top priority. She had such a peaceful look on her face when sleeping. It's a pity that I only see the demonic side of her now. Keh, how totally unawesome.

Lifting her off the couch and carrying her upstairs was easy enough. Liza's light weight hardly ever challenged my awesome muscles. Mr. Awesome Boyfriend, that's me by the way, then tucked my adorable little she-demon into bed, taking a shower first before crawling under the covers as well. Even if staying meant risking my life, I wouldn't be able to bear the guilt of leaving Liza without my warm arms to cuddle under.

It wasn't long before I had fallen asleep, the soft sounds of her sighs acting as a pretty sufficient lullaby. My peaceful slumber didn't last all that long, however. I woke up to the sound of something clanging downstairs in the kitchen.

I groaned, yawning and rubbing at my eyes. I blinked a few times when I realized that Liza wasn't lying next to me in her bed anymore. What in Gott's name was she doing up this late? Looks like I would just have to find out for myself.

I climbed out of bed with an irritated grumble, my shoulders slouched as I slowly made my way downstairs. I padded into the kitchen, furrowing my brows when Liza's erratic muttering reached my ears.

"Something sweet, something sweet," she murmured to herself.

I followed her gaze to spot a whole bunch of sweets products randomly scattered across the counter. From what I could see, there was a bottle of honey, a bag of marshmallows, a tin of hot chocolate powder, a cinnamon shaker, a bottle of chocolate syrup, a bottle of maple syrup, a box of graham crackers, and last but not least, a giant block of white chocolate.

My teeth hurt just at the thought of consuming that much sugar in one go. Liza didn't seem to have a problem with doing so, however. Heck, she mixed these products all together in one giant mug, presumably filled with a base of hot chocolate. She had yet to realize that I had been watching her this entire time.

Liza took a chug from the diabetes mug, sighing in content. Observing her pleasant mood, I decided to take my chances and speak up.

"Liza, baby? What's that you're making there?"

Liza's eyes widened in surprise, just like that of a feral animal who knew that they were about to be killed. Her hands slipped from the mug that she was holding. Since she was standing over the sink, fortunately the mug didn't break.

"G-Gil!" Liza stammered. "I didn't see you there! Hahaha!" she chuckled nervously.

I shrugged. "Is that another cheap jab at my paleness?" I teased.

"N-no! Of course not! What are you doing up so late anyways?"

"I woke up without my awesome girlfriend to cuddle with. The banging sounds in the kitchen made me curious."

"Oh, well, I was just getting back to bed!" Liza none too discretely stepped in front of the mess of sweets on the counter. "Why don't you warm up the covers for me while I clean up?"

I wasn't fooled by her googly eyelashes.

"Liza," I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to feel ashamed about having a late-night snack. It's perfectly normal."

Liza sniffed, causing me to falter. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, rubbing at her eyes. "I don't know what just came over me."

"Are you…crying?" I whispered, just to be safe.

"Yeah!" Liza bawled, tears inexplicably shooting down her face. "I just really like sweets and oh God, I'm going to gain so much weight after this!"

"Uh…" I started, only to close my mouth. I was at a complete loss for words. Instead, I let my actions speak volumes by pulling Liza into a hug, gently rubbing her back up and down.

"I-I…just wanted to say that I really love you!" Liza blubbered into my chest.

"I love you too," I murmured, despite feeling my entire body freeze on the inside. These female hormones would honestly be the death of me. I felt like I was hugging a porcupine. One wrong move, and her anger would explode at me from all angles possible.

Liza sobbed even harder. I awkwardly patted her back. "Shhh," I soothed. "I actually like a woman with a bit of curves to her."

Liza tensed up under my arms. Remember the exploding part that I mentioned oh but five sentences ago? I couldn't have been more right.

Liza pulled away from the hug to glare up at me. "Oh, so now I'm fat?!" she just about shrieked, her face reddening with anger.

"Nein! Vhat?! Where did you even get that from?!" I spluttered.

"Curvy is just the polite way of saying that someone's whale-sized!" Liza wailed. Note my awesome choice of words…at the most unawesome time possible.

"Liza, you're beautiful. Your current weight is fine."

"Is _fine_ not good enough for your awesome standards?!"

Really now. It was like we were speaking two completely different languages.

"You're gorgeous!" I tried again, wincing when Liza burned through my soul with yet another death glare.

"Screw off!" she hissed, slapping away at the hand that I moved to cup her cheek with. "I don't need your pity."

I pinched the bridge of my nose with two fingers. It was way too late for me to deal with this existential crisis of hers. "Do you want me to agree with you? Is that what you want?"

"I want you to tell me the truth!"

"I AM TELLING THE TRUTH!" I roared, quickly on the verge of losing my temper.

Liza revolted, swearing something foul in Hungarian. She then turned her back on me to look at the stove, where her pan was no where to be seen.

"HA!" I cackled. "Missing something?"

"WHERE'S MY PAN, GILBERT?"

"Kesesese. Look up, dear hobbit girlfriend and wallow in your defeat."

Liza followed my gaze to find her pan sitting on top of the kitchen fridge. She hopped, cussed, and kicked at the fridge door, but in the end, nothing that she did would make her tall enough to reach her most trusted weapon.

 **SNAP!**... _went Liza's mind…_

Liza's eyes flared with a look of determination that sent chills running up and down my spine. My confidence fell short when Liza reached over to grab a knife from a wooden holder.

"Oi! L-Liza. P-put that down," I stammered, backing up a few paces. "You can hurt someone with that."

Liza was already gone at this point. "Happy place! Happy place!" she giggled to herself. "Hurting Giltwerp is my happy place!"

Instead of madness, I'm going to credit this break of sanity as a result of sleep deprivation. Well, that and a serious hormonal imbalance.

"Oh hell to the no! Awesome never dies!" I sprinted out of the kitchen, grabbing a pillow to protect myself in the case of flying knives.

"Gillllllllllllllly~!" Liza called out to me. "Where are youuuuu? Come play with me~!"

"What the fuck?" I mouthed to myself in horror.

I dove behind the living room couch, hiding myself from view. I crouched down, not even daring to breathe. When I heard Liza walk off in the opposite direction, I reached for the home phone on a nearby table. I nearly dropped the phone; my fingers were trembling like crazy.

Speaking of crazy, I couldn't believe what I was about to do. But I had no choice. No one knew Liza better than this person did.

I dialed up the number of the person whom I hated most in life, waiting a total of four rings before the lazy arsehole finally decided to pick up his phone.

 _"_ _Hallo?"_

"Roddy! I need your help!"

 **Lesson #4: Don't ever get in between yo girl and her sweets. You may or may not suffer from a VERY salty ending.**


	5. That's one step for Gilly boy

**That's one step for Gilly boy, and a giant step for Fangirl Kind:**

 _"_ _Hallo?"_

"Roddy! I need your help!"

I could practically see the look of distaste on Roderich's face, judging by his loathsome sigh. " _Mein Gott, Gilbert. It's three in the morning. What could I possibly help you with?_ "

"LIZA…PERIOD…KNIFE…" I wheezed, ducking behind the couch when an oblivious Liza skipped back into the kitchen. She was still merrily swinging around the butcher knife in her hand. I gulped, fearing for my life.

Roderich clicked his tongue in annoyance. " _Listen, you buffoon. I don't have time to deal with your practical jokes. Now gute nach_ -"

"Wait! Don't hang up!" I begged. "I really do need your help. Liza's on her period and I don't know what to do!"

 _"_ _Let me guess: and you think that I'm your solution_?" Roderich drawled in his typical _'I'm a pompous prick_ ' voice.

I grit my teeth together, trying not to lose my cool. "You've been with her longer than I have. Surely you must know something!"

" _Hmmm. If I do decide to help you, what's in it for me_?"

I deadpanned. Typical Roderich. "Why can't you just do something out of the goodness of your cold, dead heart?!" I fumed.

" _Don't you lecture me about being gracious. You have yet to pay me back for that violin you broke_ ," Roderich huffed back.

I covered my hand over the phone when Liza called out to me from the kitchen. "Gillllllllllllly~! Where are you hiding?! You're making me really, really mad, tehe!"

I pressed the phone to my ear again. "Okay! Okay!" I hissed. "I'll give you whatever you want. Just help me deal with this...nightmare!"

" _Alright then_ ," Rodereich mused. " _You're to be my personal chauffeur for the next two weeks_."

"Are you kidding me?!" I exploded. "I can't afford using that much gas!"

" _Well then it looks like you can't afford my expertise. Bye now_ …" Roderich trailed off.

I felt like tearing out my hair. "Ugh, fine!" I relented.

 _"_ _I'm glad that you came to your moronic senses_ ," Roderich chuckled; that asshole. "What seems to be the problem _?... Other than Elizabeta's menstruation_?"

"I don't know," I whispered. "I woke up to her eating sweets in the kitchen. Every thing that I said she took as an insult and then…"

" _And then what?"_

"She sort of just snapped out of nowhere."

" _Ah,"_ Roderich sighed. " _Now I see where the knife comes into play_."

"Pompous prick say what now?" I spluttered.

" _You're not supposed to let her have too many sweets, dummkopf. She gets hyper and becomes a totally different person. And then there's the hormones…oh Gott. What have you done?..."_

"How was I supposed to know that?!" I snapped, only to duck once more when Liza slammed various pots and pans in the kitchen. I didn't want to know, let alone think about what she was doing.

Roderich clicked his tongue in annoyance. " _The amount of ignorance in you is overwhelming_."

"Just tell me what to do, damn it! I don't have much time!"

" _Ja, Ja. Why don't you scream at me some more? That's sure to help. Anyways, Liza has a weak spot right between the crook of her neck and her shoulder blades. If you manage to get close enough to massage this spot, she'll calm down."_

"That's some swell advice, Roddy, really. But you're forgetting about one thing. How the heck do I get close to her if she's wielding a knife?!"

" _Ah, good point. I used to lure her in with those gay love comics that she likes to read_."

"You mean yaoi manga?" I corrected.

Roderich sniffed in disdain. " _Precisely."_

I pursed my lips in concentration. I now knew what I had to do. "Gotcha. Thanks for the somewhat useful advice."

" _Not a problem. Just remember that I'll be holding you to your end of the bargain,"_ Roderich warned, not sounding remotely intimidating at all.

"Whatever," I sighed. "Wish me luck."

The sound of funeral music could be heard on the other end of the line.

"Did you really just get out of bed to play the piano?"

" _Ja. Even imbeciles like you deserve a proper farewell_."

I hung up the phone without even saying goodbye. I wouldn't give that smug bastard anymore satisfaction.

 _Game on._

While Liza made all sorts of scary loud noises in the kitchen, I ducked and rolled to the other side of the living room couch. I dug my hand under the cushions, feeling around until I had finally found Liza's secret hoard of yaoi manga. With a triumphant cry, I pulled out a whole stack of them.

I stood up, flipping open the pages of one manga novel in particular. Aw, how adorable. Gay figure skaters. Seemed interesting enough.

"Oi! Liza!" I whistled. "Looking for me?"

Liza came staggering out of the kitchen, muttering nonsensically under her breath. Her green eyes lit up with excitement when she spotted me standing in the living room, my arms spread open like Moses as I showed off her beloved yaoi collection.

"Come on girl," I cooed. "Come get your fix of steamy hot gay love!"

Fangirl or dog, they were both the same to me in my mind.

"Gilly~!" Liza squealed, sprinting at me with the butcher knife still clutched in her tiny hand.

For reasons inexplicable, a trail of blood trickled out of her right nostril.

Liza skidded to a stop before me, jumping up and down in excitement. I held my breath, holding up the manga in the air so that she wouldn't be able to reach them. I was treading on very dangerous waters right now.

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" I scolded. "No homoerotic shipping until you hand over that knife."

Liza pouted, reluctantly relinquishing her weapon. I maintained my composure, taking the knife from her. She just about snatched the manga from my hands while I quickly disposed of the knife in the kitchen. Learning my lesson from last time, I had placed the knife next to the pan on top of the fridge.

I then hurried back into the living room, sneaking behind Liza's giggling figure. Her shoulders were hunched over as she flipped from page to page. This gave me the perfect position to go in for the kill. I grabbed onto her shoulders, massaging my hands deep into the space between the crook of her neck.

 **CRACK!**

Liza purred, falling back into my arms. "Oh," she sighed. "That feels so good, Gil. Don't stop."

 _Oh thank fuck. She's back to normal…_

It wasn't long before she had melted into a pile of bliss.

"My boyfriend's so kind, spoiling me like this," Liza mused.

I stopped rubbing her shoulders, bending down to peck her blushing cheek.

"Yeah, yeah, you crazy lunatic. Let's get you to bed."

Liza giggled again as I picked her up and slung her over my shoulders.

 _High ho, High ho, it's off to another day of hell we go…_

 **Lesson #5: Yaoi is the holy grail of calming your moody girlfriend down.**


	6. Dine to Die

**A/N:** Heads up, but next chapter is probably the funniest thing that I've  ever written. Or at least, I think so lol. Let's just say that using drugs goes way wrong.

* * *

 **Dine to Die:**

 **Day 2:**

I woke up at noon with Liza curled up underneath my arms. Bright green eyes leered at me through batted eyelashes.

"Make me food, bitch nugget," she murmured before nuzzling her head into my chest.

I sighed. I couldn't be bothered to make her any food. Not to mention the fact that it would be safer for me if we ate out in public.

Careful not to stir Liza, I reached into the pocket of my sweatpants and pulled out my phone.

I'd text the guys and see if they were down to bring their girlfriends along with them too.

…

All six of us were sitting in a booth at one of the town's best breakfast diners. Us guys sat on one side, while the girls sat on the other. Francis and Antonio had brought along their girlfriends, so at least Liza had some estrogen brethren to occupy herself with.

I was sitting sandwiched between my two friends, with Liza sitting parallel to me across the table. Francis sat on my right, and Antonio was to my left.

I had met Antonio's girlfriend Bella before, as they had already been dating for close to six months now. Bella was a busty woman with bobbed blonde hair, green eyes, and a smile that reminded me of a cat for whatever reason. She had a very cheerful personality, but could become _very_ scary if you pissed her off.

This would explain why Antonio had been fidgeting nonstop ever since we got here. Knowing that Spanish dummkopf, and all the dumb shit that he did and said, he most likely pissed Bella off a lot. Although, I couldn't help but feel a little bit sorry for Antonio. He was always so happy, and tried very hard to make Bella happy as well. He reminded me of a clumsy puppy, who despite having good intentions, always ended up creating a giant mess for his owner (aka girlfriend) to clean up.

Francis's girlfriend was new, however. They had only been dating for two weeks now, so this was the first time that the rest of us had been able to meet her. Michelle seemed nice enough, but according to Francis, she didn't leave her house very often. She had tanned skin, warm brown eyes, and had her long, brown hair tied into two pig tails. It was a bit surprising to see someone as eccentric and outgoing as Francis date such a meek-natured girl. Although, I have to admit; they were a very cute couple. Whenever Francis looked her way, Michelle would blush, and quite adorably at that.

Now if only Liza would have an ounce of chill in her…

A server came to our table, and we gave our orders. Liza made sure to order the most expensive items on the menu; just to grab me by the balls. Clearly, she was still salty about me not making her a homemade breakfast. Unfortunately, I was given no other choice but to go with the cheap, three eggs and ham option. So not awesome.

Our food came rather quickly, and the conversation flowed pretty naturally after that. Antonio was fawning over Bella like a mother hen, reaching over the table to fix the green ribbon in her hair. Francis, on the other hand, was being his typical charming self by feeding Michelle pieces of his crepe.

"Open wide, ma choute," Francis cooed.

Michelle giggled, opening her mouth as Francis fed her a generous amount of his crepe. "Francis," she chided. "Stop! You're being so silly!"

"Ah, but silly is cute, non?"

Meanwhile, Antonio was having a difficult time getting Bella to eat her stack of waffles.

"Bella, mi amor," Antonio purred, failing miserably to mask the strain in his voice. "You haven't even touched your waffles."

"That's because it tastes like merde," Bella huffed, crossing her arms.

Antonio paled, looking like a nervous wreck. Go figure. Ever since he had adopted that little cousin of his, his monthly food bill had gone through the roof. That spoiled brat Roma could eat more than all three of us guys combined. It didn't help that Bella was an unreasonably harsh food critic.

"Por favor," Antonio whined. "Just one bite, for me?"

I tuned out of that conversation when I felt the burn of Liza's glare on my forehead.

"What?" I mouthed.

"How come you don't feed me like that?" Liza hissed, cocking her head towards Francis and Michelle.

"Because you'd bite my hand off, you pan-happy lunatic!" I snapped back, feeling braver since we were surrounded by multiple witnesses.

Liza's eyes narrowed, and it wasn't long before I was feeling an intense amount of pain.

 **THUD!**

The cutlery on the table shook slightly as Liza kicked me from underneath the booth. I held my breath, not wanting to give Liza the satisfaction of knowing that she had just shattered my shin bone.

 _Hnnngh._

 _Gott_ that hurt.

To distract myself, I looked around the diner, strictly avoiding Liza's harsh gaze.

Antonio raised a forkful of waffle to Bella's pouting mouth. "Choo choo!" he cooed. "The waffle express is looking for a sweet place to make its home~!"

Disgusted, Bella turned her head to the side. "I'm not eating it," she fumed.

"I'm sure that it's very yummy~! You should _really_ give it a try."

Antonio was practically begging Bella at this point.

"If it's so yummy, then why don't you eat it?!"

Antonio's eyes darkened. Uh-oh, looks like someone had poked at the bull's temper one too many times. "Bella, eheh, _honey_ ," he just about growled. " _Eat the waffle."_

"Non!"

" _Listen_ ," Antonio snapped. "We came here to have a nice breakfast, so for once in your petty life could you just do what I say?!"

What happened next occurred so fast that I had almost missed it just by blinking. Bella grabbed onto Antonio's fork, hissing as she shoved it down his throat.

"YOU EAT THE DAMN WAFFLE!" Bella shrieked.

 **CLANG!**

The fork weapon dropped onto the table.

Antonio's face became red as he choked on the waffle, whereas Bella's face became red with tears.

"Mon Dieu, Antonio!" Bella wailed. "Could you be any more embarrassing?!"

 _Embarrassing? He's choking to death for fuck's sake!_

Antonio was too busy gasping for air to respond.

"Oh, honey," Liza soothed, patting Bella's back. "Don't listen to that asshole. He doesn't deserve you. Come, why don't we get that mascara of yours all fixed up?"

Bella sniffled. "Alright."

Liza escorted Bella out of the booth, looking over her shoulder at Michelle. "You coming girlie?"

"O-oui!" Michelle stammered, only to falter when Francis grabbed onto her wrist.

"You're not going to leave me all alone on our date, are you?" Francis purred.

Michelle bit her lip, turning around and unintentionally whipping Francis in the face with her pigtails. "Sorry, but I am. My friends need me," she said in a determined voice, turning her back on a now teary-eyed Francis.

The three she-demons then left for the washroom together.

Antonio banged a fist on the table, garnering Francis and I's attention again. I had almost forgotten that he was choking. Oi! I never said that I was good friend, you know.

"Shit! Sorry!" I cursed, pounding a fist against Antonio's back.

Antonio spluttered, coughing out a soggy piece of waffle. After he had regained his breathing, the Spaniard then banged his forehead against the table.

"Dios mio! I can't do this anymore," Antonio whined.

"Do what?" Francis and I said at the same time.

"I don't want to date girls anymore! They're too complicated. Everything that I do and say is _always_ wrong! I can't do anything right! And to top that all off, Bella and I haven't had sex for two months! _Two_!"

Francis and I groaned in sympathy.

"I feel you, mon ami," Francis sighed. "Michelle and I haven't had sex either."

I slapped a hand against the table. "Tell me you're fucking with us!"

Francis solemnly shook his head. "C'est vrai. I've tried undressing her many times, but all she does is blush and slap my hand away."

"At least you don't get whacked in the head with a pan on a daily basis," I groaned.

"Shut up!" Francis and Antonio snapped together. " _At least_ you get laid!"

I raised my hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. Can we all just agree that women are bat shit crazy?" I smirked.

Antonio sat up from his previous slumped position. "Amen amigo."

Francis raised his glass of water to the air in toast. "Cheers," he mused.

A wry smirk crept onto Antonio's face. "Antonio," he trilled in a high-pitched voice. "Does this dress make me look fat?"

I grinned right back at Antonio. "Gilbert!" I scolded in an equally girly voice. "You can have sex with me, but only if you manage to navigate through the confusing labyrinth that is my PMS~!"

"Antonio~! Why do you get a boner every time that I eat a tomato?!"

Okay, that one was weird.

"Gilbert?! How dare you talk to another girl! You're supposed to be sucking _my_ dick!"

Francis chuckled. "Francis! Stop groping me in public! I don't like it!"

Antonio and I turned to give Francis a strange look.

"Dude, what the fuck?" I deadpanned.

Antonio shook his head in disapproval. "Too far, mi amigo. Too far."

Refusing to let this glorious moment slip away, I decided to mock Liza again.

"Gilbert! How dare you top me! That's not equality!"

I was met with awkward silence, but at this point, I couldn't stop running my mouth.

"Gilbert? Rub my back will, ya? My hands are still sore from _two centuries ago_ , and I can't be bothered to make you remotely happy because I'm just that selfish~!"

"Uh…Gil…you might want to shut up now…" Antonio's posture deflated as he looked over my shoulders.

Francis yelped and scooted out of the booth.

It was then that I realized why my friends were being so silent.

 _The girls were back._

"Bella, Michelle?" Liza growled.

"Oui Liza?" the other two girls hummed in perfect synchronization.

"You won't say anything if I kill him, right?"

"Nope~!"

The last thing that I felt was Liza grabbing a fistful of my hair.

I blacked out when my forehead hit the table.

…

Antonio and Francis could only watch in miserable silence as Liza dragged her unconscious boyfriend out of the breakfast diner.

Antonio brought a cross pendant to his lips, silently muttering a prayer for his half braindead friend.

Francis simply whistled, grateful that for once it wasn't him being knocked out for being too perverted.

...

 **Lesson #6** : Shit talking your girlfriend when she's already hormonal and moody will surely result in your imminent death. Way to go brotato; you fucked up royally.


	7. Four Twenty Craze It!

**A/N:** And so we're back with the chapter that I've deemed to be the funniest of mine :). Hopefully you think so too. Also, please learn from Gilbert's mistakes. It's totally not okay what he intended to do.

* * *

 **Four Twenty, Craze It!:**

 **4:20 PM**

I woke up, only to find myself lying on top of Liza's living room couch. I had a massive bruise on my forehead, and judging by the dizziness, I most likely had a concussion too. I groaned, sitting up. I could hear water running in the shower upstairs.

Huh, Liza must have dragged me here after I had passed out at the breakfast diner. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.

Gott, I wasn't going to survive another day if I didn't find a way to cool Liza's temper. I mean, she had always been an explosively angry person, but she took things to a whole other level when on her period. She had gone full-bitch supernova.

I got up from the couch, staggering and almost losing my balance. I blinked black spots out of my eyes as I walked into the kitchen and pulled out an icepack from the freezer. Seriously though. I was _willing_ to try anything if it meant getting Liza to chill a little.

Hmmm. Speaking of chill. Matt was pretty chill. Remember him? The roommate friend who had helped me figure out what the hell a pad was? Anyways, said Canadian was probably the chillest person that I knew. And, come to think of it, we did smoke the occasional joint together…

That's it! Weed! I'll get Liza to smoke a joint with me and poof!: No more angry Liza, no more potentially life-threatening brain injuries, and no more unawesome humiliation. This plan was perfect! No-! Awesome!

I grinned to myself like a fool as I pulled out my phone. With hair as long as Liza's, her showers could last up to an hour, sometimes even more than that. Regardless, I had to act quickly. Who knows how long she had already been in the shower for.

 _Gilbert: Yo Mattie! Do you think that I could snag a few grams of weed off you?_

 _Matt: Sure thing! When and where?_

 _Gilbert: Five minutes. Liza's apartment._

 _Matt: I thought that Liza doesn't know you smoke?_

 _Matt: Gilbert…what are you up to?_

Looks like my plan wasn't so awesome after all.

 _Gilbert: Shit! You're right._

 _Gilbert: Liza's acting batshit crazy rn._

 _Gilbert: Weed was my last hope of calming her down._

 _Matt: Why do you want to calm her down?_

 _Gilbert: Because she's a psycho, duh!_

 _Gilbert: She's also on her period._

 _Matt: Oh, right! How did your pad hunting turn out?_

 _Gilbert: WE ARE NOT TO SPEAK OF THAT NIGHT EVER AGAIN._

 _Matt: Okay, okay. Gosh. No need to shout._

 _Gilbert: Ugh, what am I supposed to do now?_

 _Matt: Well, I do have half a batch of leftover weed brownies in the fridge…_

 _Gilbert: Awesome! You're a life saver!_

 _Matt: I don't know how I feel about this. Isn't it wrong to give someone drugs without their knowing?_

 _Gilbert: I'll pay you double the price :D_

 _Matt: Pleasure doing business with you, hoser ;)_

 _Matt: I'll be there in a five!_

 _Gilbert: See you then, Maple Trooper!_

 _Matt: You really need to stop calling me that…_

…

I spotted Matt's rusted red truck idling in the back parking lot of Liza's apartment building. I walked up to said truck, hiding my eyes behind a pair of dark sunglasses. Matt had done the same, just in case there were any cops around.

Matt rolled down the truck's window, giving me a quick once-over. "Password?" he spoke in a delicate whisper.

I smirked in amusement. Matt wasn't a very intimidating drug dealer. If anything, he reminded me of Winnie the Poo. He was just as soft-spoken and even had a baggy red hoodie to match. "Trudeau is hella cool," I mused.

Matt raised his sunglasses so that they were perched on top of his head. "Access accepted," he chuckled, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small tinfoil package.

I reached into my own pocket to pull out a wad of bills. "Is this enough to your passive aggressive satisfaction?" I asked.

Matt took the wad of bills from me, exchanging them for the tinfoil package. "Very good, eh?" he remarked with just as much sarcasm.

I hid the tinfoil package in the folds of my leather jacket. "Well, I don't have much time before Liza gets out of the shower. I should head back. Thanks for the help, bro. It means a lot."

Matt smiled, his violet eyes twinkling. "That's quite the bruise on your forehead you got there. I'm glad that I could help."

I shrugged. "Ja, well. That's what I get for dating a lunatic."

I turned on my heels, waving over my shoulder. "Wish me luck. If you don't hear from me by tomorrow morning, feel free to sell my Xbox to help pay the rent."

Matt shook his head in disbelief. "Roger that."

"Hey Gilbert!" Matt called after me.

"Ja?"

"Don't have her eat more than two brownies. They're a pretty strong batch."

"Gotcha," I winked, feeling _real_ smug on the inside.

Liza had repeatedly fucked me up over the past two days.

I was simply reciprocating the favour.

 _Kesesesese_ …

…

Liza was taking too long in the shower, and I was beginning to grow impatient. Eh, might as well dig into the brownies myself. I kept Matt's warning in mind as I stuffed two of them into my mouth. What?! I deserved to relax too, you know.

I was just starting to feel the high when my phone buzzed with multiple texts.

 _Matt: GILBERT! GILBERT! OMG!_

 _Matt: I GAVE YOU THE WRONG BROWNIES!_

 _Matt: THE ONE'S THAT I GAVE YOU ARE LACED WITH A STRONG HALLUCINOGENIC DRUG._

 _Matt: ALFRED TOOK MY BROWNIES BY MISTAKE._

 _Matt: GILBERT?! ANSWER ME!_

There were so many questions that I had to ask, but couldn't because I was too busy freaking the fuck out.

 _Gilbert: WHAT?!_

 _Gilbert: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_

 _Matt: What's wrong?! How many brownies did you have?!_

 _Gilbert: I ATE TWO JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO, YOU DUMMKOPH!_

 _Matt: Tabarnac! You need to get to a hospital! Now!_

 _Gilbert: I can't!_

 _Matt: Gilbert, now's not the time to worry about the cops. You could die!_

 _Gilbert: I'm not worried about the cops!_

 _Gilbert: I'M WORRIED ABOUT LIZA!_

My phone continued to buzz with frantic texts from Matt, but I didn't bother to answer them as I was currently tripping balls. My vision narrowed, causing me to fumble and drop my phone. The air around me thickened and I looked at the ground, crying out when I realized that the tiles were breathing.

I took a step forward, staggering when the ground rose in a gentle tidal wave. "Calm down, Gilly boy. It's just a bad trip. Shake it off," I murmured to myself.

I reached for the tinfoil package of brownies, gritting my teeth when I felt the floor rise in another tidal wave. When the wave subsided to the other half of the room, I chucked the tinfoil package into the garbage can underneath the sink.

I wanted to mess with Liza, not ruin her life.

"Oh! You're awake!" Liza exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. She was wearing nothing but a red towel to cover her body, her long hair damp and hanging all the way down to her waist.

"Good! I thought that I may have given you a concussion or something," she giggled. "Although, to be fair, you did deserve a good head-bashing for what you said."

When I didn't respond, this prompted Liza to cock her head to the side in question.

"Gil, are you alright?" she asked. "Your eyes look funny. I can hardly see the irises."

A sideways smirk crept onto my face. How odd, several pans were floating above Liza's head. Wait a minute. Why did the pans suddenly turn into several Gilbirds?

 _Cheep. Cheep._

I raised both hands to the air, walking towards Liza with a mute expression on my face. "That's right Gilbirds. Come to vati," I cooed.

Liza's face paled considerably. I must have spooked her. No matter, I needed to catch my fluffy children and find a stable home for them. I wonder how much nest mortgage would cost?

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" Liza spluttered, backing up a few paces.

"Kesesese," I laughed manically. "Cheep, cheep, motherfucker."

"Okay, seriously. You're really beginning to scare me…"

I blinked in disorientation, the cheeps of the Gilbird clones drifting away. They were soon replaced by the sound of drums.

I looked at Liza, ogling at how her long, luscious tendrils of hair floated in the air.

"Mein Gott," I muttered. "So beautiful."

I fell onto my knees, bowing down before Liza's feet. "I am yours to command, oh great psychotic one."

Liza sighed. "Why do I get the feeling that you're on drugs?"

I sobbed uncontrollably, unable to form a coherent sentence.

Liza pinched the bridge of her nose. "Thought so."

 _…_

 _Liza: Did you give Gilbert drugs?_

 _Matt: How did you know?_

 _Matt: Um…is he…okay?_

 _Liza: Like duh, I smoke weed too. Everyone knows that you're the go to dealer in town._

 _Liza: He's currently massaging my ankles with baby oil. You be the judge._

 _Matt: Hah! What a relief. Gilbert didn't want you to know that he smoked!_

 _Matt: Wow, no comment._

 _Liza: That dumbass! Did he really think that he could keep a secret from me?_

 _Liza: Hey…whatever you gave him…_

 _Liza: Do you think that you could hook me up some time? ;)_

 _Matt: Uh…yeah. Sure?_

…

 **Lesson #7: Drugs and hormones are never a good mix. **


	8. Raise A Knife to Slavedom

**A/N** : This fic is wrapping up to a close soon. Thanks to those who have supported this utter crack show xD Quicker updates coming soon because I want to finish this already :D

-Ella

* * *

 **Raise a Knife to Feardom:**

 **Day 3:**

 **12:00 PM**

I woke up the next day with a pounding headache. I wasn't surprised to find that Liza wasn't sleeping beside me, even if it was her own bed. Who knows what the lunatic was up to now.

I squinted my eyes at the bright morning light, trying my best to remember what had happened. I had dreamt about tidal waves last night for whatever reason. Surely there must be some sort of connection there, right?

I sighed, rubbing at my sore forehead. Thankfully, it was Sunday, so neither of us had to worry about getting ready for work. It took me a moment, but the sweet aftertaste in my tongue triggered the thought of brownies. Brownies triggered the thought of drugs, which then triggered the memory of my last meet up with Matt. I paled right to the bone, figuratively speaking of course.

It was pretty much impossible for Liza not to know that I had been on drugs. I only remembered the beginning stages of my trip, but even that was enough to paralyze me with fear. If I left the bedroom now, I would have to face Liza, but if I hid myself in here, she would eventually come back to forcefully drag me out.

Because I'm so very awesome, I'd just have to brave it out and face my imminent death.

I slowly padded out of the bedroom, tiptoeing as I didn't want to cause the wooden floorboards to creak. I looked over the upstairs railing, spotting Liza curled up in a ball of blankets on the living room couch.

Without even turning around to look at me, Liza giggled. "Good morning."

I felt my eyes widen. You know, maybe I should just go back to the bedroom. Slow steps backwards. There you go Gilly boy…almost there…

"Gilbert," Liza sighed. "I know you're there. Now, get down here before I go full-out crazy bitch on you."

 _So she was self-aware…_

I reluctantly walked down the staircase into the living room, my head bowed the entire time.

Staying true to the koala onesie she was wearing, Liza was hugging several pillows to her chest and stomach. Her face looked unnaturally pale, and if I wasn't so worried about dying, I would have been concerned.

Liza smirked. "Those were quite some drugs you threw away in the garbage last night," she mused.

"Don't tell me you ate those brownies too!" I spluttered.

Liza nodded her head. "And so what if I did? They were great. Besides, after you passed out, I got bored," she shrugged.

"Liza!" I fumed. "Those weren't just weed brownies! They were laced with-!"

"Don't you dare lecture me, Gilbert," Liza snapped. "We both weren't being honest with each other. I smoke too. You really need to have more faith in me. And duh, I texted Matt before I ate any of them."

Apparently, Matt was the go to drug dealer in town. Who knew?

"Wait, what?!" I exclaimed. "You smoke too?! That's awesome!"

Liza smiled. "Let's promise not to hide anymore secrets from each other, yeah?"

I grinned from ear to ear. "You have a deal, missy."

I held up my hand for a high-five. Liza reached up to return it, only to fall back on the couch and grimace in pain.

I kneeled before the couch, taking her right hand into mine. "Liza? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I asked softly.

Liza bit her lip, struggling to form words. "Really…bad…cramps…" she muttered.

I felt my heart break in two. I hated seeing her hurt like this, lunatic or not.

"Is there anything I can do? I heard eating bananas, almonds, and avocados helps with the pain. Do you want me to make you a smoothie?" I blushed, burying my head into her stomach.

I couldn't take all this sappiness. Screw me for caring about her so much. So not unawesome.

Liza shook her head, fondly ruffling my hair. "Let me guess, you found out about that on tumblr?" she chuckled.

Liza took my incoherent grumbling as her answer.

"It's fine, really," she smiled. "The smoothie probably won't help. But…I do have a favour to ask of you."

"Anything!" I murmured, my voice muffled.

"My next-door neighbor imports a specialty tea from Russia. I usually drink it when my cramps become this bad. Do you think you could go over there and ask her for a package?"

"Ja, of course!"

…

I stepped out of Liza's apartment, walking to my left two doors down. I was told to ask for Natalia.

I stopped to stand before said neighbor's apartment, wincing when several bangs and shouts echoed behind the other side of the door.

 _"I'm s-s-s-orry, m-miss. I didn't m-mean to m-make you upset."_

 _"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME 'MISS', TORIS."_

 _"M-my apologies."_

 _"TSK! We've already been dating for two weeks now, da? No need to be so formal if we're going to get married!"_

 _"M-marriage?!"_ the presumably male voice squeaked.

I chose the wrong time to knock on the door.

 _"Yes marriage! Now get the door before I beat a ring out of you!"_

 _"Yes ma'am."_

The door opened, revealing a delicate man with shoulder-length brown hair. His forehead was beaded with sweat, his frightened green eyes looking me up and down in a quick once-over. He reminded me of a caged animal, although I don't know why.

"Um, hi," I began awkwardly. "Is Natalia there?"

The man cleared his throat, a sorry attempt of making himself look intimidating. "She's very busy right now. Can I take a message?"

"Ugh! What's taking you so long?" a sharp, cold as ice female voice spoke from behind the man. She seemed to have some sort of Russian accent.

I looked past his shoulders, spotting an equally cold-looking woman with long, platinum blonde hair and shrewd blue eyes. She was wearing a long navy-blue dress with a white bow tied around both her waist and hair.

The girl then established eye contact with me, her thin lips curling with distaste. She was pretty, sure, but her scowl was the most memorable feature about her. Just like Liza she was hobbit-sized. Not to mention she was also just as terrifying.

"Are you Natalia?" I asked, gulping nervously.

"Da, and who are you?" she leered.

"Gilbert, it's nice to meet you. I'm Liza's boyfriend."

"She asked me to come here," I hastily added in.

Natalia pursed her lips. "Elizabeta's new man, huh? I like that girl very much. She has more balls than most men," she paused to aim a pointed glare at her partner, who looked like he was just about ready to shit a brick.

"Toris, let this man in," Natalia commanded before turning on her heels, her combat boots clacking loudly against the wooden floor.

Toris smiled weakly at me, stepping to the side. I walked into the apartment, furrowing my brows when Toris grabbed my wrist. "Help me," he whispered.

"Huh?" I deadpanned.

"Toris!" Natalia snapped. "Shut the door!"

Toris let go of me, scrambling to shut the door with trembling hands. "Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. It won't happen again, ma'am!" he stammered, likely on instinct.

Natalia turned around, sternly crossing her arms. "So, 'Gilbert'," she began. "What made Elizabeta send you here?"

I shrugged. "She's experiencing some really bad 'lady' cramps. She wanted to know if you could lend her a packet of tea."

Natalia simpered. "That poor girl," she murmured in sympathy. "Of course, follow me."

I followed Natalia into the kitchen. Toris gestured for me to have a seat at the kitchen table. He sat across from me while Natalia bent over to rummage through the cabinets.

With her back still turned to me, Natalia spoke. "You seem to be a lot nicer than that self-absorbed suka she used to date," she admitted.

"Oh, you mean Roderich?" I chuckled. "Ja, he was something all right."

Toris reached over the table to tap my forearm. I looked down, finding a note.

 _Help me._

 _I owe her brother money, and now I'm being held hostage._

 _We don't have much time!_

I furrowed my brows, scribbling my own message, only to crumple the note and stuff it into my pocket when Natalia turned around, a cardboard package of tea cupped in her hand.

Natalia placed the package of tea on the table. "There, that should be enough to help her," she said.

I bowed my head in thanks. "Danke."

I looked up, half-surprised to find a knife pressed to my throat. "Do you promise not to hurt Elizabeta?" Natalia hissed. "She's my friend, and I only want the best for her. Forgive me for being suspicious, but the girl's experienced enough heartbreak in her life."

Toris silently shook his head back and forth in warning. "Don't engage," he mouthed. "Agree with her, and you'll live…maybe…"

I decided to take Toris's advice. "Ja, I promise. I only want the best for her too. That's why I came here," I spoke in a surprisingly calm tone for someone who was on the verge of having their throat slit open.

"Good man," Natalia praised, taking the knife away from my throat. "Toris, you can learn a thing or two from him. He doesn't piss his pants like a baby at the sight of a knife."

 _Oh Gott. I need to get the hell out of here…_

I stood up from the table, grabbing the package of tea. "Thanks again," I smiled, making a point to avoid Toris's pleading looks. Sorry man, I already had one psycho to deal with. I certainly didn't need another.

Toris's eyes watered as he watched me slip on my shoes. "Take me with you," he mouthed.

I shook my head, grimacing in mourning for my fellow slave boyfriend.

"Good luck," I mouthed back, grateful to be leaving that hellhole for good.

…

 **Lesson #8:** In the wild jungle of hormones, it is every man and manchild for himself. No exceptions. **#saveToris2k17**


	9. We Were Born to Become Slaves

**A/N:** Hello again! I always say this spiel on the second last chapter of my stories but,….I'm a really sensitive person, so when I see that people unfollow after completing a story I get super offended. It hurts my feelings. Please don't be that reader lol. By all means, feel free to favourite and unfavourite this story, I can't dictate your taste :p I just interpret the unfollowing as rude because it makes me feel used as an author. I'm an angsty little bean, okay?

Bleh, anyways, thanks for reading and being as awesome as always with your support! I'll be back next week with the last chapter of this crack-show :D

 **We Were Born to Become Slaves** :

After I got back from psycho woman #2's apartment, I made Liza a large mug of tea. We then cuddled next to each other on the couch, snoozing on and off all afternoon. The tea really helped with her cramps, so she had finally been able to get some sleep. The only thing that sucked was that I was stuck in place, unable to move, while she slept on my lap.

I patted Liza's head, sweeping away the hair from her face. "Liza," I whispered. "Honey, I need to get up. I have to go to the washroom."

Liza didn't respond. She was in a deep sleep, no doubt immersed in one of her fangirl fantasies. The drool trickling out of her mouth and the creepy grin on her face was already a pretty good indication of that.

I sighed, attempting to sit up, only to have the wind knocked out of me when Liza instinctively punched me in the gut. I furrowed my brows in confusion. Perhaps that had just been a freak reflex. I attempted to sit up again.

 **PUNCH!**

Nope. Definitely not a reflex. Unconscious or not, Liza knew what she was doing.

I rolled my eyes, leaning back to rest my head against the couch. Looks like I wouldn't be moving any time soon. How unawesome.

 **KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**

"Gilbert! Mi puta! You there?" A familiar happy-go-lucky voice echoed behind me.

I craned my neck as far back as my position allowed, looking at the balcony, as this was where the sound had come from. I blinked twice in disorientation.

"ANTONIO?!" I shouted. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

Cool fact of day: Liza could sleep through literally anything. If she didn't want to wake up, nothing in the world, no matter how loud, would be able to rouse her.

I found Antonio standing outside on Liza's balcony, his tanned face smushed up against the glass.

"It's nice to see that you survived yesterday's head-bashing! Oh, and I ran away~!" he shouted back.

"YOU WHAT?!" I spluttered.

Antonio opened the patio door, poking his head into the apartment.

"I ran away!" Antonio repeated.

"Bella's on her period too! Dios, I can't put up with these female hormones any longer! I'm taking little Roma, and we're going to New York. I want to feel like a new man, Gilbert! You should come with us~!"

Well that would explain the five-star on his right cheek.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Hold the fuck up for a minute. Did you really just climb down three stories?"

Antonio's lips spread into a crazy grin. His and Bella's apartment was on the eleventh floor of this building. "You bet I did!" he beamed.

"You could have killed yourself, you dummkopf!" I cursed.

Antonio shrugged. "So, are you coming with us or not?"

"Coming where?" I asked.

"To New York, of course~!"

"You're serious?"

"Si! Well, uh, kind of. Maybe we can just go for a weekend or something?"

I smirked. "I like where you're going with this. We can come back once Satan's done visiting _them."_

Antonio matched my devious smirk, a mutual look of understanding crossing his face. "Perfect! I'll text Franny and see if he wants to come too~! We can probably leave by tonight!"

"There's just one problem," I frowned. "I can't move."

Antonio stretched on his tippy toes, looking over the couch to find Liza laying fast asleep on my lap.

"Not a problem," Antonio chuckled. "I know the perfect thing that'll wake her up. Bella's also a fangirl."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Don't ask questions. Just let a boss do his thing," Antonio hushed, pulling out his phone to slip it through the small crack in the patio door.

Well _excuse_ me.

At this point, I was desperate enough to accept any solution. As long as I got out of here alive, I'd be home free.

Antonio scrolled through his phone. "Once she wakes up, it's your job to distract her. I'll be waiting in my car downstairs while you grab your things," he instructed.

I nodded my head in affirmation.

"Here we go! Be careful, she might react with a violent amount of 'feels'!" Antonio exclaimed, holding up his phone to the air when a song began to play from it.

 _~ Can you hear my heartbeat?  
Tired of feeling never enough  
I close my eyes and tell myself that my dreams will come true ~_

"What the hell is this?" I hissed.

Antonio placed a finger over his lips. "It's an anime intro. Now Shhh! It's just getting to the good part."

Sure enough, Liza began to stir in my arms.

~ _There'll be no more darkness  
when you believe in yourself you are unstoppable  
Where your destiny lies, dancing on the blades,  
you set my heart on fire_

I watched in pure awe as the song slowly roused Liza into consciousness.

"Moment of truth," Liza muttered in her sleep. "Victor…Yuuri…so kawaii…"

I looked at Antonio, who grinned and gave me a confident thumbs up. "Any moment now," he mouthed to me.

 _Don't stop us now, the moment of truth  
We were born to make history  
We'll make it happen, we'll turn it around_…

Liza sat up with a start, accidentally kneeing me in the crotch.

"HNNGH!" I groaned.

Antonio paled, immediately turning off his phone.

"YES, WE WERE BORN TO SHIP VICTUURI!" Liza shouted at the top of her lungs.

Antonio ducked and hid out of sight.

Unfortunately, I was too busy coughing up blood to call him out for being such a coward.

…

"Gilbert! Gilbert! Honey! What's wrong?!"

"You just kneed me in the balls, that's what!"

"Did I really?!"

"JA!"

…

 **Antonio's POV:**

I ducked out of sight, pressing my back against the brick wall of the building. Phew! That was a close one. Inside the apartment, I could hear Gilbert and Liza shouting at each other. But that's alright! They usually communicated like that anyway. Dysfunctional was how their relationship functioned, eheh.

I pouted my lips. Ay, I didn't want to go back to my apartment. Bella and Roma were waiting for me to make dinner. You'd think that I was their servant or something. Roma, I could understand. He was only five years old. But Bella worked at a bakery. Surely, they could fend for themselves without me!

Not to mention that Bella was in a permanently bad mood today. I was slapped just for asking why her stomach was so 'poofy'. How was I supposed to know that it's normal for a chica's stomach to bloat when they're on their period?!

Oh well, I should probably get off Liza's balcony now. The last thing I needed was to be whacked with a pan.

 **PLOP!**

A tomato fell from the sky, falling down at my feet. I looked up, cocking my head to the side. How random? But I couldn't just let such a ripe tomato go to waste either!

I peered into Liza's apartment, sighing out of relief when I didn't see the feuding couple in sight. I then bent over, swiping the tomato so that I grasped it in my hand. Mmmmm…

I froze when I heard devious chuckling above me. I knew that I was a goner when I felt a rope wrap around my waist.

"Oh dios," I muttered to myself.

It had all been a trap…

"Pull, Bella, pull!" Roma's shrill chibi voice cackled. "That lazy bastard deserves to suffer!"

I looked up to find Bella and Roma leaning over our own balcony three stories above. I dangled in the air as my girlfriend pulled me up with the rope. I honestly didn't care if I fell or not at this point. The embarrassment would surely kill me first.

"Romaaaaa!" I wailed. "How could you? You were supposed to keep this a secret!"

Roma shrugged, revealing a mouthful of pink gums and half grown-in teeth. "You taught me to never say no to a pretty lady. Besides, she gave me candy."

I deadpanned.

That kid was more loyal to food than his own boss and blood.

Bella tugged on the rope extra hard.

Ay! Ay! Ay!

Watch the balls!


	10. Thwack in the Middle of Craziness

**A/N:** Well, this is it! The last chapter of this crack utopia xD I hope you enjoyed it, and thanks so much for your wonderful support. If you're ever bored, feel free to check out the rest of my stories :) Have a great day/ night!

* * *

 **Thwack in the Middle of Craziness:**

Friday Night…

 **Group Chat: Period in ze Holes**

Gilbert: Yo! How are you guys faring?

Francis: Not good, mon ami. Michelle won't stop eating.

Francis: She also makes me rub her back for hours on end.

Francis: My gorgeous hands actually have calluses on them :O

Gilbert: Ah man, I'm sorry to hear that.

Francis: What about you and Liza?

Gilbert: Eh, I've worked all week.

Gilbert: We haven't had the chance to meet up.

Francis: C'est bon, non?

Antonio: Hi! I just ate a tomato :D

* _Antonio sends a screenshot of a grumpy-looking Lovino. Said tsundere toddler is wearing a tomato print bib. He also looks ready to bite off the picture taker's head_.*

Gilbert: Oi! Toni! Stop acting like a proud Dad! It's creeping me out.

Francis: Amen, frere.

Antonio: Hmmmph! I'm just trying to lighten up the mood -.-

Antonio: Bella made me rub her feet.

Antonio: Roma laughed and called me a little bitch.

Antonio: Overall, it's been a muy shitty day for me.

Francis: Mon dieu…you poor thing.

Gilbert: I'm so proud :')

Antonio: Of what?

Francis: Oui, do carry on…

Gilbert: I taught Romano that word :D

Antonio: WHAT THE HELL GILBERT?!

Antonio: HE'S FIVE YEARS OLD!

Antonio: WHY MUST YOU CORRUPT HIS INNOCENCE?!

 _*Antonio sends a gif of a swinging Halberd*_

Gilbert: Relax, relax. I'm just kidding, you dork ;)

Gilbert: I have no idea where he learned that word from.

Antonio: Oh~! I'm sorry :D

Gilbert: I swear, this guy has the attention span of a flea.

Francis: *Rolls eyes*

Antonio: Good news! Roma's actually cuddling with me right now!

Antonio: He's really sleepy from all the pasta he ate!

Gilbert: For the love of fuck…

Antonio: He's sitting on my lap.

Antonio: Gilbert, this is for you. "Say hi to the pasty bastard."

Francis: What about moi :(?

Antonio: "I hope you choke on a baguette and die."

Antonio: Isn't he just the cutest little thing ever?

Gilbert: Oh ja, real adorable.

Francis: Do you even teach that boy manners?!

Gilbert: Oh shit! Liza just texted me!

Antonio: :O

Francis: Do you want us to cover for you?

Gilbert: Nah, I'm good.

Gilbert: If I avoid her for any longer she's going to get the wrong idea.

Antonio: Please don't die!

Gilbert: Thanks for the support guys.

Gilbert: I don't know what I'd do without your utter uselessness.

Antonio and Francis: Hey!

…

Liza: Hello handsome ;)

Liza: You free tonight?

Gilbert: I don't know…

Gilbert: Working a full-day shift is exhausting…

Liza: Why don't you come over then?

Liza: I'll give you an amazing rub!

Gilbert: What kind of rub?

Liza: Whichever one you like best ;)

Liza: So how about it?

Gilbert: Hmmm…

Liza: I'm so very lonely.

Liza: Won't you warm up my scantily dressed body?

Gilbert: Ahem, well. I suppose that I could come over…

Gilbert: I can always drink a cup of coffee!

Liza: Great :D

Liza: See you then!

…

 **Antonio's POV:**

All it took was one scream for me to grab Roma and make a run for it.

"ANTONIOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!" Bella screeched.

"Mierda!" I cursed when Roma pinched my arm. His little head was folded under my armpit, heh. But it was for the best. I needed to find us some good cover until Bella's anger died down. I don't even know why she gets mad at me anymore. Just by living I already piss off that chica.

"Where are you taking me, bastard?! Let go, damn it!" Roma snapped, looking way angrier than any kid his age should. Sometimes I wonder if a grumpy old man had possessed his body. Agh! I needed to focus! It was up to me to protect us both!

I clamped a hand over his still moving lips. "Shh," I warned. "Do you want us _both_ to die?"

Roma's eyes widened as he silently shook his head. I beamed like a proud Papi, only to snap back into focus when Bella's footsteps pounded against the upstairs suitcase.

With a yelp, I dove under the bed, rolling over so that I didn't flatten Roma. I then wrapped an arm around his shoulder, just so he wouldn't be scared. The little guy had always been too stubborn to admit that he was afraid of the dark. Thankfully, there was a bed skirt present to hide us from sight.

"Antonio!" Bella screeched again. "How come my truffles are gone?!"

I turned to look at Roma, who had suspiciously become _very_ silent. "Did you eat _her_ chocolate?" I asked, despite already knowing the answer.

Bella had hidden her truffles on top of the fridge, as Roma and I also have sweet tooths. But, since Bella would become homicidal if I even so much as touched her sweets, I stayed clear of them. Roma, on the other hand, didn't seem to care about stealing other people's food. He just ate and ate, and when he wasn't eating, he was complaining about not having enough food to eat.

You know, come to think of it, this would explain why I had found him sitting on top of the kitchen counter earlier this evening. Ay, that little sneak! Didn't he realize that he was asking for a death wish?! Oh. Oh no! I was the older one. Roma could very easily place the blame on me and get away with his crime! NO! I wouldn't let him! I've already suffered enough!

"N-No!" Roma spluttered, blushing a bright red.

"Oh, yeah?" I challenged, glaring at him. "Let me smell your breath then."

Roma shook his head. "No way!"

I grabbed his face anyway, prying open his jaw. I sniffed his breath and fumed. "I knew it!"

Roma elbowed me in the chest. "Stupid bastard!" he cursed. "I told you that I didn't eat the damn chocolate!"

Dios mio, was this kid ever stubborn. We both knew that he was lying, so why even bother?

My retort fell short on my tongue when Bella entered the room. I could see her feet move as she stalked the area, sniffing the air like the fangirl bloodhound that she was.

"I smell your cologne," she mused. "Care to confess before I drag your sorry ass out of hiding?"

"I'm _not_ taking the fall for you again," I whispered to Roma. "You still haven't learned your lesson from last time."

"Eh?" Roma scoffed, rolling his eyes. "See if I care. I can still get you into trouble."

"How so?" I smirked.

This was the last time that I would ever underestimate him. Or so I swore every time that he one-ups me. Unfortunately, this tended to happen a lot.

Roma rolled out of my grip, only to headbutt me in the throat. I gasped, choking for air. Roma then ninja rolled to the other side of the bed, placing himself far out of reach of Bella's grabbing range.

"Aha! There you are!" Bella cried out in triumph.

My eyes widened when I felt something grab my foot. I gave a smug Roma one last look of betrayal before Bella dragged me out from underneath the bed.

Roma grinned devilishly. "Hasta la pasta, sucker!" he snickered.

…

Everything seemed to be A-OK in Awesome Land. Because of Liza's texts, my old fuckboy senses were tingling. I impatiently bounced on the balls of my feet in the elevator, replaying her messages over and over again in my head. Call me crazy, but it appeared as if she had been alluding to sex.

Although, I still had to keep my guard up. I had been avoiding her all week because of last weekend's string of catastrophes. All I could do was pray to God that her period was over. I had gone so far out of my way to find excuses not to come over to her apartment. I had even taken a few extra shifts at work, but more than that, they were morning shifts! I never woke up earlier than ten, and that's on a good day!

Oh well, Liza's had a full seven days of bleeding. Hell should have warmed over and dried by now. Did I just make you cringe? Good! I did too! Anyways, let's just hope that my luck scores…in the bed that is. Kesesese!

I knocked on Liza's door, revving myself up with a pep talk. "She ain't got nothing on you, Gilly boy!" I muttered under my breath. "You're a lean, mean, albino machine!"

I faltered when Liza opened her door, a wry smile plastered on her face. She was wearing a simple black spaghetti top that was short enough to expose a decent amount of midriff and a matching pair of booty shorts.

I gulped, drinking in her appearance in pure awe. Her long hair cascaded down to her waist, the curls bouncing playfully as she pulled me into a hug. "I missed you," she purred, her green eyes twinkling with the infamous 'kiss me' gaze.

"That makes two of us," I murmured into her neck.

Liza grabbed the collar of my shirt, pulling me down so that our noses rubbed against each other. "Want to make up for all the time that we lost?" she asked, batting her lashes in a way where I couldn't have possibly said no to her question.

I briefly looked down at Liza's stomach, following Antonio's advice for once. Her stomach didn't appear to be bloated. Now for my next test…

I spun Liza around so that her back was pressed up against _my_ stomach. I didn't spot – or feel – any pad markings on her butt. Aha! Now I was finally getting somewhere!

I tucked my chin over Liza's shoulder, smirking when she giggled. "Mhhhm. That sounds like an awesome idea."

"I'm glad that we're on the same page." Liza tilted back her head to meet my lips. She opened her mouth and our tongues slipped in together. The next few moments went by in a blur. All I saw was a flash of hair; Liza turned around, leaping into my arms as she hugged my waist with her ankles.

I staggered backwards, fumbling to pull the door shut behind us. This proved to be difficult as I was also making out with her and supporting her weight at the same time. Liza laughed into my face as I finally slammed the door shut, staggering forward.

We didn't make it very far before I pushed her up against the kitchen counter, my hands trailing down to support her small waist. "I thought that you were on your period?" I asked, just to be safe.

Liza teasingly nipped at a soft spot on my neck. "Not as of yesterday!" she hummed. "Feel free to ravage me."

I jolted a little when Liza nibbled on my earlobe. Gott, this biting fetish of hers was so weird. Regardless, this comment gave me the final push to do what I've been waiting all week for. I squeezed her thighs, spreading them open.

"Thank God!" I joked. "I was beginning to think that this living hell would never end!"

Liza tensed, pulling away to look me directly in the eyes. "Excuse me?"

I fumbled for words, unable to recover from my sheer stupidity. And so, I only proceeded to make things worse by talking further.

"You know what I mean," I smiled nervously. "A woman on her period isn't the most pleasant person to be around."

Anxious 'kesesese' laughter.

Liza spoke slowly, drawling out her words for angry, dramatic effect.

"You…sexist…asshole…" she growled, reaching for the pan that was still miraculously on top of the fridge, where I had last placed it.

I opened my mouth in dread, hearing the familiar whistle of air as Liza swung down her pan in a deadly arc.

 **CLANG!**

I crumpled against the fridge, slowly sliding down to a slumped position on the floor. My vision blackened from the pain searing at the back of my head.

I could hear Liza's muffled Hungarian swearing as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Yup. That's my girl all right. Period or not, Liza was still a crazy bitch. Although, I have no right to complain.

After all, I was the equally crazy bastard dating her.

 **-The End**


End file.
